Jumbled Brain continued...

“I gave up on showing myself to people. There isn’t anyone that would be a “soulmate”, a spouse, or whatever the correct term is for it these days. I don’t feel that I trust people in that sense anymore…people suck, and I don’t trust to not get hurt again, because if I did…I don’t know what I may do!”

“As I sit in my room and listen to my mom screaming for me I just cringe. I know she just wants the best for me, but she doesn’t understand that my failing grades aren’t because I put my friends first or because I hung out too late at the party this weekend. It’s because every day I go to school I just want to keep my hoodie on and bury myself in the back of the class. I feel like everyone is staring at me. The teacher calls on me because the bitch knows that I can’t figure out the answers. Yet she doesn’t take not even a second to see if she can help me. Then I get to my homework, and I am completely lost. Why is this happening to me, why doesn’t anyone understand that I don’t understand what the hell those words mean in those books? I don’t understand how to break down that algebra problem, not because I haven’t tried but because I really don’t think my brain can do It. Please Help!! Until help comes, I’ll just turn the music up and act like I don’t hear her…I can't.”

“Today is another uneasy day. Reflecting on all the people lost in my life, the craziness of this pandemic, still losing people left and right. Makes you want to put life in perspective, yet I don’t know what the hell I want besides a brain that works like that of a ‘normal” person. A brain that will focus and follow through. It used to work that way for a while, I would at least have a window of sanity to focus on plans and details of assignments. Now it’s just all jumbled and harder to decode. I write list upon list, then I lose the list. So… I write another one, lose that one and the cycle continues. Finally, I find it and get so mad that I throw it away (fuck this shit)!!!!”

“No one gets it, they think everything here is all so well put together. They have no idea how long it takes for me to unscramble these thoughts to put anything into action. I used to think I was self-sabotaging and procrastinating because that’s what everyone kept telling me. This would frustrate the hell out of me because I know that I was trying so hard. Sitting in front of my laptop just waiting for my fingers to start typing but nothing would happen. Use a notebook they said, like that was the cure for this shit that pops into my head. I now have a file cabinet full of notebooks with 2 pages of random hearts and drawings ( I can’t draw for shit but for lack of a better word that’s what we’ll call them…drawings) and the rest just blank pages.”

“The kids are all over the place this morning. Like they had a store full of candy. My head is banging and my husband just smiling and laughing like this is the cutest shit ever. Don’t get me wrong, I love all of it, I used to think this was the cutest shit ever as well, until one day it wasn’t. He tends to me offering Tylenol for my headache and a massage when he returns from work. What he doesn’t know is that the only thing that will alleviate this headache is if I pull some of this hair out. If I can just pull one fuckin follicle, I could handle all of this got damn noise. But I will wait, I will smile, I will chat with the bus driver when she picks up the girls, and with the neighbor that I can’t fuckin stand. All of the” normal” shit so I can get back into my bed and lose my fuckin mind!”

“To constantly read my journal and want to rewrite an entry or not understand what I was trying to say.

How do you not know what YOU were trying to say in your own journal entry?

But I just leave the unclear thoughts as proof to myself that I must try harder to get it together. I am but 37 years old, I have been dealing with this since I was a kid. I remember joking with family members; asking if they ever noticed any psychotic behaviors of mine, if a doctor ever said I needed help. The response was always that I was always just hyper and wanted attention. I remember at 16 I did something to get that attention. I remember the diagnosis coming in and it totally being ignored. Everyone thought that the actions were because of a boy that I was dating…boy were they wrong. I remember at 18, I went to the doctor on my own, told that I showed signs of ADHD and bipolar disorder. I took the medication for a while, but it was unheard of in my family, so I discontinued taking them. What a world of shit that caused! 3 marriages and I barely remember one of them, 2 divorces, drinking, drug use…life has just been a mess. I can say that I have been clean” for 10 years and am on medication. The meetings, the medication, and the therapy, are all working together. For that I am grateful, but my mind still does what it wants. I’m just glad that I was able to pull this together for my kids. I still don’t talk about my feelings to my family because they will never get it. My therapist is my safe haven, she’s been through things…she gets it, for the most part!”

“No one gets this shit, I don’t even get it, but I do know that it gets on my fuckin nerves whenever I try to explain to someone what I’m feeling, and they look at me like I have 8 heads. I guess it’s easier to describe sadness when there is a reason; dog dying, break up, car explosion. But not when your brain just suddenly shifts from you being the happiest person in the world to not having a clue why you want to break your cell phone and hide in your house for weeks. Therefore, I keep my feelings to myself, auto pilot through the workday and find the serenity of my shelter at the end of the day. Using a hard workload as reason for missing events and not answering my phone. When in reality, I am sitting in my crazy mind, on my couch, crying and wishing I could reach out to someone for any type of help.”