Confessions of a jumbled brain

What does the insane look like? Is it the man walking down the highway with the tank top on, dirty jeans, unmatched boots, and disheveled hair?

Is it the man with the shopping cart full of bags that overflow with random treasures that he’s collected while walking through the neighborhood begging for cash?

Is insanity the woman talking to herself as she paces back and forth in front of the grocery store, singing into an imaginary microphone?

This is what a lot of people feel insanity looks like…no one thinks that the man with the multimillion-dollar company, three children, and an adoring wife would ever be the “look” of the insane. The single entrepreneur that is the life of the party when he goes around his family and friends, or the businesswoman that always seems to have her shit together; mom of the year, loves to host every party, gives all her friends the best advice. People don’t think that their best friend who seems to have “the perfect life” and the perfect personality could possibly be one of the insane…they couldn’t possibly be dealing with anything! Or could they?

This Chronicle is dedicated to everyone that deals with the jumbling in their brain but continue to get up each day and go through life as though nothing bothers them. To the men that are expected to protect their households, provide for their families, and continue to be the bread winner, while they’re battling to get out of bed in the morning. While they are battling to find a way to tell their spouse that they are hurting in an unexplainable way.

Dedicated to the women who are expected to get the kids up and, on the bus, do homework with them when they return while cooking dinner, all with a smile, knowing that she spent most of the day fighting not to slice at her inner thigh. To the teenager that can’t seem to find the words to tell their parents that their brain just keeps going and that’s why he/she is failing tests at school. Its not for the lack of trying, it's because the words won't stop moving long enough to grab them and write them down.

This is dedicated to those like me, those who in the eyes of the world “look fine” …there are more of us then you know…you are not alone!

“Today was another day that I just couldn’t pull myself together. I woke up thinking that today would be a good day, yet as the hours passed, and I binge watched several shows my brain began to shift to darkness

I started out speaking to friends and family; texting and speaking as if everything in my world was okay, giving advice and laughing as if all within me was ok. This is how my day usually works.”

“I wake up and in an almost “robotic state” I make my morning coffee, turn on the news and send out my morning texts to family and friends. I shower and pump myself up to head out and complete the tasks of an entrepreneur; speaking to clients, completing each appointment with a smile, as if this is exactly what I want to be doing. This is what I thought I wanted to do, the one thing that I could do, make money and be alone most of the day with minimal human interaction. The one thing that I could do with precision, most of the time, and not have to speak to people too much or act like I’m alright.

As I would walk through homes giving quotes and laughing while reassuring these clients that I would clean their homes as I would my own, while in my mind really looking at how long I would be able to be alone and away from the world, while burying myself in the nastiness of their germs, dirty dishes, feces splattered toilets and condom filled garbages.

Gaining a clientele of single moms who could barely afford service, lonely married women who used me as their therapist during each appointment, seniors who lost their spouses and were losing their ability to take care of their homes…the list goes on and on.

Monday through Friday, each day more gruesome then the next, each morning the anxiety damn near crippling, as I open my front door to head outside. I hate the outside; I hate it out there!”

“No one has a clue about how I feel when I go out into the world. Everyone sees me as a fun loving, strong woman, with the ability to navigate her life while helping everyone with their problems. I must admit I have a gift of listening, protecting the ones that I love and being empathetic and sympathizing with everyone’s issues. I am however and Empath…all of the energy sits within me. Everyone’s pain becomes mine and when you mix that with the pain that hold of my own it becomes dangerously hard to cope.”

“I binge drank on Friday, hung out with a man that at one time I thought a relationship would be amazing to have with. That was until he “ghosted me” and brought back all the feelings that I thought I buried from my previous relationship.

I can admit that when I am with him, I feel alive, don’t think crazy thoughts, or want to cry…we laugh, we talk and scroll IG together, watch shows and have the most amazing chemistry. However, that always comes to an end, because there’s always something that he must do; someone he must drop off, pick up or whatever.

Then my brain goes back to where it was before I had to put the show on…bipolar, overthinking and issues of abandonment kick in, and I get angry.

My anger makes me nervous; my anger makes me scared, which Is why I no longer like to get into conflict. It’s not because I have grown up, it’s because I don’t know if I can control myself anymore. Things tend to get dark, and I just can’t afford to let go. Yes, I said let go. Most people would worry about what they might lose but I just don’t want anyone to see me at that vulnerable state. The thought of being judged and not “have it together” would crumble my world.”

Thank you all for sharing with us...with hopes it gets better with time!